Depression

[Guido]

,.

[Julian Candy]

Today was the CST testing and I realized I know nothing about Geometry, even though I took it last year and I am repeating it this year. I never completed Algebra 1 because the dumbasses in charge put me in Geometry. I'm getting an F in chemistry and god knows what will happen in English class.

Our classes are organized by elective choices and mine is graphic design and I found out that because I took it last year, I basically wasted a years worth of elective points. If I had known about that when I was choosing classes I wouldn't have signed up for it.

The algebra thing is partly my fault as I opted to change it.

I feel like whenever I give an opinion or make a decision, it turns out to be the wrong one. I also feel like I'll never live up to anything (no family, mediocre job, etc..) given my horrible work ethic and unappealing personality.

I contemplate suicide almost every other day but my family would rather send me to therapy, hook me up on anti-depressants and force me to live through this shit. It's sophmore year and I still manage to fail classes all the time and no one sees that that will never change. Of course whenever I say this my family tries to force me to view a false reality rather than being depressed, I'm not a pessimist I'm just viewing reality.

I feel like I'm better off becoming an hero.

[saturdayindex]

No, you should never make a relationship with someone else the sole reason you're happy, but you're straight-up doing it wrong if you don't lean on (read: need) each other - if not at first, then years down the line, that's what it's going to be. The rest is just splitting-hairs as far as I'm concerned.

Yeah, I've basically spent my whole life not leaning on people, and feeling bad if I do... I really wish I were completely independent and didn't need anybody at all. But I really do...

[saturdayindex]

same problem as turquoise and many other horrible problems. i'm pretty sure i'm dead within 5 years (i hope so actually)

These comments should be punished.

[Waterbagel]

what do you do when you wake up from dreams of suicide?

it's like waking up early in the morning before anyone else is awake, sun shining in your face, and corsair is playing

[hexagon son]

Today was the CST testing and I realized I know nothing about Geometry, even though I took it last year and I am repeating it this year. I never completed Algebra 1 because the dumbasses in charge put me in Geometry. I'm getting an F in chemistry and god knows what will happen in English class.

Our classes are organized by elective choices and mine is graphic design and I found out that because I took it last year, I basically wasted a years worth of elective points. If I had known about that when I was choosing classes I wouldn't have signed up for it.

The algebra thing is partly my fault as I opted to change it.

I feel like whenever I give an opinion or make a decision, it turns out to be the wrong one. I also feel like I'll never live up to anything (no family, mediocre job, etc..) given my horrible work ethic and unappealing personality.

Very jealous, my family just told me I was I'll-behaved instead of nurturing a potentially talented genius. Therapy may have helped, now all I a
M is an English teaches r in Japan as opposed to studying astrophysics at MIT.

If you are ever a Parent, encourage and nutter for fuck sakes. Input = output

I contemplate suicide almost every other day but my family would rather send me to therapy, hook me up on anti-depressants and force me to live through this shit. It's sophmore year and I still manage to fail classes all the time and no one sees that that will never change. Of course whenever I say this my family tries to force me to view a false reality rather than being depressed, I'm not a pessimist I'm just viewing reality.

I feel like I'm better off becoming an hero.

[Twoism-ist]

so another semester is coming to an end and I've found yet again that I've done so extraordinarily poorly. I wonder if my GPA has been low for long enough that they'll expel me. I kind of hope so. I AM interested in my major, I really am, but I cannot for the life of me maintain interest in the work that has to be done. I'm too distracted, too self-absorbed in my own dreams and ideas. I'll be nearing the deadline of a big project and I didn't start because I'd rather read a fiction book, or practice writing music or draw and paint. Every end of the school year is the same thing: I wonder where all the time went, my parents are infuriated at my incompetence and I'm once again a useless piece of shit leeching off their hospitality and lying at their face that I'm doing fine in school. They then believe that I've wasted all my time playing video games and getting drunk with what few friends I have. Which is true, I have spent my time doing these things, but nowhere near as much as they believe. I've spent entire days in my room doing something creative and they believe I was playing video games... Anyways I've lost my only scholarship and so now I'll be paying the full price for this education that I'm starting to have doubts about. And yet, I still tell my family "no, I can get it back, it's a misunderstanding!" But I only say these god-awful lies because its what they want to hear. Because I know that if I go against their wishes, I lose their financial support. And yet, I continue to squander it. For the longest time I've thought about saving up money by getting a job and selling some things to move somewhere else and start my own life. I can settle in, then start looking for an art school to attend. Not telling my family where I'll go exactly. I'll still stay in touch of course, I don't want them to think I died. I don't hate my family, I don't think anyone truly does. But somewhere along the line, I changed as a person and I suddenly find myself a very different person from my family, with different ideas about life and happiness, but they fail or refuse to recognize this. I feel like there's something out there for me that I won't find in this deadbeat town or in this shitty university. I want to challenge life on my own and accomplish something on my own. Emphasis on "feel", because I know these thoughts aren't logical at all. It could all be the remnants of my teenage mind creating a personal fable to justify my pathetic inactions. If internet personality tests can reveal anything about myself, I'm a INTP; introverted, intuitive, thinking and perceiving. If I am good at thinking, why am I not acting on the reasoning that doing well in school will reward me with a stable middle class life that everybody wants? What if this could be an exception then? If all those fiction books can suggest something to me, maybe this is an exception. And if I don't act on these feelings, I am going to regret it down the line? I'm going to regret foreclosing on my ambitions and desire to see the world alone, with no authoritative hands tethering me to a linear path. I want to make my own ties, make my own accomplishments and make my own failures. I think this summer I'm actually going to do it.

[Waterbagel]

so another semester is coming to an end and I've found yet again that I've done so extraordinarily poorly. I wonder if my GPA has been low for long enough that they'll expel me. I kind of hope so. I AM interested in my major, I really am, but I cannot for the life of me maintain interest in the work that has to be done. I'm too distracted, too self-absorbed in my own dreams and ideas. I'll be nearing the deadline of a big project and I didn't start because I'd rather read a fiction book, or practice writing music or draw and paint. Every end of the school year is the same thing: I wonder where all the time went, my parents are infuriated at my incompetence and I'm once again a useless piece of shit leeching off their hospitality and lying at their face that I'm doing fine in school. They then believe that I've wasted all my time playing video games and getting drunk with what few friends I have. Which is true, I have spent my time doing these things, but nowhere near as much as they believe. I've spent entire days in my room doing something creative and they believe I was playing video games... Anyways I've lost my only scholarship and so now I'll be paying the full price for this education that I'm starting to have doubts about. And yet, I still tell my family "no, I can get it back, it's a misunderstanding!" But I only say these god-awful lies because its what they want to hear. Because I know that if I go against their wishes, I lose their financial support. And yet, I continue to squander it. For the longest time I've thought about saving up money by getting a job and selling some things to move somewhere else and start my own life. I can settle in, then start looking for an art school to attend. Not telling my family where I'll go exactly. I'll still stay in touch of course, I don't want them to think I died. I don't hate my family, I don't think anyone truly does. But somewhere along the line, I changed as a person and I suddenly find myself a very different person from my family, with different ideas about life and happiness, but they fail or refuse to recognize this. I feel like there's something out there for me that I won't find in this deadbeat town or in this shitty university. I want to challenge life on my own and accomplish something on my own. Emphasis on "feel", because I know these thoughts aren't logical at all. It could all be the remnants of my teenage mind creating a personal fable to justify my pathetic inactions. If internet personality tests can reveal anything about myself, I'm a INTP; introverted, intuitive, thinking and perceiving. If I am good at thinking, why am I not acting on the reasoning that doing well in school will reward me with a stable middle class life that everybody wants? What if this could be an exception then? If all those fiction books can suggest something to me, maybe this is an exception. And if I don't act on these feelings, I am going to regret it down the line? I'm going to regret foreclosing on my ambitions and desire to see the world alone, with no authoritative hands tethering me to a linear path. I want to make my own ties, make my own accomplishments and make my own failures. I think this summer I'm actually going to do it.

this really speaks to me. i think i'm the same way.
very similar personality, habits, and thought-processing, anyway

[Stry Craty Bya]

Ehhhhrrrrr

[meat like product]

so another semester is coming to an end and I've found yet again that I've done so extraordinarily poorly. I wonder if my GPA has been low for long enough that they'll expel me. I kind of hope so. I AM interested in my major, I really am, but I cannot for the life of me maintain interest in the work that has to be done. I'm too distracted, too self-absorbed in my own dreams and ideas. I'll be nearing the deadline of a big project and I didn't start because I'd rather read a fiction book, or practice writing music or draw and paint. Every end of the school year is the same thing: I wonder where all the time went, my parents are infuriated at my incompetence and I'm once again a useless piece of shit leeching off their hospitality and lying at their face that I'm doing fine in school. They then believe that I've wasted all my time playing video games and getting drunk with what few friends I have. Which is true, I have spent my time doing these things, but nowhere near as much as they believe. I've spent entire days in my room doing something creative and they believe I was playing video games... Anyways I've lost my only scholarship and so now I'll be paying the full price for this education that I'm starting to have doubts about. And yet, I still tell my family "no, I can get it back, it's a misunderstanding!" But I only say these god-awful lies because its what they want to hear. Because I know that if I go against their wishes, I lose their financial support. And yet, I continue to squander it. For the longest time I've thought about saving up money by getting a job and selling some things to move somewhere else and start my own life. I can settle in, then start looking for an art school to attend. Not telling my family where I'll go exactly. I'll still stay in touch of course, I don't want them to think I died. I don't hate my family, I don't think anyone truly does. But somewhere along the line, I changed as a person and I suddenly find myself a very different person from my family, with different ideas about life and happiness, but they fail or refuse to recognize this. I feel like there's something out there for me that I won't find in this deadbeat town or in this shitty university. I want to challenge life on my own and accomplish something on my own. Emphasis on "feel", because I know these thoughts aren't logical at all. It could all be the remnants of my teenage mind creating a personal fable to justify my pathetic inactions. If internet personality tests can reveal anything about myself, I'm a INTP; introverted, intuitive, thinking and perceiving. If I am good at thinking, why am I not acting on the reasoning that doing well in school will reward me with a stable middle class life that everybody wants? What if this could be an exception then? If all those fiction books can suggest something to me, maybe this is an exception. And if I don't act on these feelings, I am going to regret it down the line? I'm going to regret foreclosing on my ambitions and desire to see the world alone, with no authoritative hands tethering me to a linear path. I want to make my own ties, make my own accomplishments and make my own failures. I think this summer I'm actually going to do it.

Why are you posting this when you should most likely be doing something more important?

[Twoism-ist]

Why are you posting this when you should most likely be doing something more important?

Because we do funny things when we are depressed.

Besides the same could be said for just about every post in this thread

[Deutsche Diesel]

I am terrified of the very people I want to be involved with: fellow traditional Irish musicians. Even though I've over a decade of experience in my particular field (uilleann piping) I feel sub-par and inadequate and shoddy and fake. I'm at a peak in my abilities, by all accounts I've never been more ready to join in group events, meet new people and learn new things. Yet when I look at photos of recent gatherings I passed on attending I'm scared witless and thankful I didn't go. I can't compare to these people, with their cliques and mastery and repertoire. I feel like a fraud, when I know I'm not. Not only is my repertoire massive, I MAKE the damn instruments for a living. I just can't shake the oppressive weight this leaves on me. I'm haunted.

It doesn't help that I'm poor- I'm seemingly permanently locked in poverty, living on state aid. I work two part time jobs, but my wife has been unemployed for 3+ years, and our autistic son needs constant care. Indeed the only reason I can play the pipes is I made several sets for sale, then an extra set for myself. They're so damn expensive, I had to subsidize myself, just to rationalize owning a set!

I'm also overweight, and I hate feeling scrutinized by people who by all accounts seem to have their shit together (young, svelt, wealthy hipsters- the modern trad music crowd, it seems). It makes me feel dirty and cheap, only fit to watch from the corner, so people can later deny my presence. Like a ghost.

Why does the one thing that brings me true joy in this world fill me with such self-loathing and doubt? I feel so worthless. I've been told again and again that there are hundreds of people who wish they had half my talent... but I would give it all up if I could just be thin and feed my family and not hate myself.

[coffee grapes]

[Julian Candy]

This weekend was a total letdown, wanna die.

[Julian Candy]

I'm skeptical that I will make it to my HS graduation, I really feel as though there is no point in going on and that none of my dreams will be fulfilled and I will fall into a life of sub par mediocrity. My friend says I'd be letting everyone down by doing myself in but I feel that I would let them down if I didn't. Getting out of bed in the morning has become such a chore recently, as I feel as though I'm living in a constant limbo of unhappiness, disappointment, and lack of accomplishment. I sometimes lye awake at night fearing going to school the next morning for fear of failure. I actually tried to hang myself on monday but it didn't work out(obviously). When I get to school in the morning, I literally smell failure in the warm, unforgiving air.

My one dream in life is to one day have a large family of my own, but everyday it feels like that dream, along with my sanity, is chipping away. Especially when the one girl you love and want to be with won't return the favor simply because you're white (she said she prefers asians, but it's the same thing). Then my asshole of a "friend" says he wants to help me get a girlfriend but he does so by basically saying either change yourself into a more attractive person or give up. How shitty to realize that my dream will never be realized as no girl would ever find me remotely attractive. I've never even had an extended conversation with another girl in my pathetic 17 years of life, yet my friend has had 2 girlfriends, banged them both, and has had girls talk to him and ask him out on several occasions.

Every year my grades are just as terrible as the previous, whenever my parents ask me if I'll work harder and not screw up this year, I just can't say yes as I know that's not true. Everyday just feels like a repeat of some godawful tv show and I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown all afternoon. I signed up for jazz band but I just sit there and realize that I'm a shitty musician and that the others are all far superior.

I honestly don't know how long I'm going to live, I possibly won't make to the end of the year.

[Waterbagel]

I'm skeptical that I will make it to my HS graduation, I really feel as though there is no point in going on and that none of my dreams will be fulfilled and I will fall into a life of sub par mediocrity. My friend says I'd be letting everyone down by doing myself in but I feel that I would let them down if I didn't. Getting out of bed in the morning has become such a chore recently, as I feel as though I'm living in a constant limbo of unhappiness, disappointment, and lack of accomplishment. I sometimes lye awake at night fearing going to school the next morning for fear of failure. I actually tried to hang myself on monday but it didn't work out(obviously). When I get to school in the morning, I literally smell failure in the warm, unforgiving air.

My one dream in life is to one day have a large family of my own, but everyday it feels like that dream, along with my sanity, is chipping away. Especially when the one girl you love and want to be with won't return the favor simply because you're white (she said she prefers asians, but it's the same thing). Then my asshole of a "friend" says he wants to help me get a girlfriend but he does so by basically saying either change yourself into a more attractive person or give up. How shitty to realize that my dream will never be realized as no girl would ever find me remotely attractive. I've never even had an extended conversation with another girl in my pathetic 17 years of life, yet my friend has had 2 girlfriends, banged them both, and has had girls talk to him and ask him out on several occasions.

Every year my grades are just as terrible as the previous, whenever my parents ask me if I'll work harder and not screw up this year, I just can't say yes as I know that's not true. Everyday just feels like a repeat of some godawful tv show and I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown all afternoon. I signed up for jazz band but I just sit there and realize that I'm a shitty musician and that the others are all far superior.

I honestly don't know how long I'm going to live, I possibly won't make to the end of the year.

1. your friend is getting girls, but he's not getting women (trust me on this one, i even had a bout with him [my best bro] about it today. well.. not with him, but concerning him). he slowly convinced me to become an "alpha," as 4chan would call it. it's fun for a while, but after a while.. it's nothing glamorous, and it's nothing worthwhile; sustaining. you're left without content. unsatisfied. it's not worth it.

2. you are attractive, you just haven't realized it yet (i promise. i know other people promise, but i promise you are. you just gotta realize it. don't let him tell you what you are/who you should be. and i know EVERYONE probably tells you that. i thought they were wrong too. trust me. they aren't).

3. you'd be surprised how good you look when you feel good about how you look. yes, this isn't an overnight thing (well it can be.. you just gotta think that it is. it's all mental). sure you might want to make a change that fits you, maybe trim back hair, shower more.. stuff like that. but you're fine the way you are (i know, cliché, but it's one of those clichés that's ACTUALLY true). be who you want to be.

4. you don't know what you want to be/what you want to do with your life yet (career-wise). neither does anyone else. i'm a freshman/sophomore in college right now, and i don't either. very few people do. find something you like and try it out, that's what i'm going to do next semester (i'm realizing it's not chemistry for me). i know it's hard. and i know i know it's hard, because i'm trying to figure it out too. many of us are. but we can do it. and so can you.

5. suicide just amounts to a wasted life and wasted potential. you can do a lot with your life. you can change it, you can make it, you can do just about anything. you can't do anything when you're dead.

6. got friends? good. get more. networking makes it easier to find more friends and better relationships with people, and even better, more lady-friends. don't have friends? you probably do. REALLY don't have friends? make some. it's hard at first, but i PROMISE it gets easier the more you do it. just start talking to the guy/girl next to you. might strike up an interesting conversation. if it just doesn't feel right, it might just be high school. college it's WAAAAAY easier. especially first year. other people are scared of what college is going to be like, and everyone is scared and would be happy to have some sort of human contact in class that isn't a professor (if they're not scared, they've either already made friends or they're faking it).

7. even if you don't know what you want to be, just pick a major that sounds interesting. sounds like something you'd like to learn more about. the first couple of years are mostly general education courses and will be nearly the same no matter what major you pick. and don't worry about changing majors if you have to. it's never too late. i'm about to do the same (and, for the record, i have NO idea what i'm going to change to yet!)

8. again, it's hard to figure out what you want to do. if i knew how to figure it out, i would tell you. but, unfortunately, i don't. maybe someone on this board can help make light of that!

9. i know the feeling when it comes to the family thing. that is what i want in life too. that's not what i want to do with my life career-wise, but it's what i want to do with my life. go for it. the only person stopping you is yourself. cliché, again, but it's true. i'm starting to find out that a lot of the little clichés that people tend to use to describe life.. are actually pretty spot-on. a good chunk of them, anyway.

10. i love jazz band. it's what balances out my day between work and chemistry that i don't want to do. there are people loads better than me. if it wasn't for the guy next to me that played tuba and hadn't ever really tried a trombone before, i'd be the worst trombone player. but you know what?
i love every fucking minute of it. because music is awesome, jazz is awesome, and jazz band.. is awesome. practice. it really does make perfect. you might not like the way you sound. you might never like the way you sound. but you'll be getting better if you do it.

p.s. : that girl sounds dumb. really really dumb. if she seems like just the world to you, she shouldn't be. you may be thinking "damn you, she's a saint," or you might be thinking "you're right," or you may be thinking "eh," but if she doesn't want to bother getting to know you better because of something like race/religion/etc (and that one hits home for me, too)..
to put it quite simply..
fuck her.
not literally.
just.. forget about her. she'll realize she's being dumb somewhere along the line. but it'll be too late for you.
or maybe it won't. but either way, forget about her. move on to someone a little more mature than that.

hope this helped.

oh, and p.s.s.: look forward to new days. just do it. don't say you can't, you don't wanna, just do it. not to sound bigoted or whatever, but you'll realize i'm right when you do it right.

[hexagon son]

None of you should really be contemplating suicide until you are inyour 30's. That is your make or break time. Your 20's are filled with choices and opportunities. Imnot saying it will get better, it hasn't for me. I just made the wrong decisions. Enjoy your 20's!

[aged sea]

Julian Candy you seem fairly young and your post is reminiscent of a lot of the thoughts I had at your age. As the Aged Sea (I chose that name because I'm 41, probably older than most posters here) I can tell you that life is not easy for sure. But there are a lot of good things in life you can experience; the trick is that so much of attaining happiness is in your own choices and thinking. Persist in pursuing your passions and open yourself to going down paths you never thought you could--you will be surprised at how much satisfaction and happiness are able to experience. I'm responding to your post because I too struggle with depression. It only takes a small bit of light to illuminate your way out of a dark room--just a bit of encouragement from an old guy.

[Spenner]

I've felt really depressed maybe only 10 times in one year this year, as opposed to feeling like it every single day for the previous two and a half years. Things get better-- they're still not great for me but it's a good step forward being bipolar means there is an inevitable downhill to come but I'm able to usually redirect that negative energy and be left with just the positive... tricky to do though.

[Jonse]

I just sit there and realize that I'm a shitty musician and that the others are all far superior.

You need to make music within your bounds of skill. For instance, anyone can use a drum machine in a DAW, it just takes time to program. There's no physical playing talent involved. Find something that works for you and push it to the extremes.

And by the way, if you're really, truly contemplating suicide, don't keep going to school. Quit. Stay home, spend all your time on productivity doing creative things you enjoy even relatively, get some exercise every morning, locate some Psilocybin mushrooms or DMT/Ayahuasca if you're lucky enough to find it, trip, meditate, calm your mind and re-assess your life and what's worth living for. This is your time of healing. If you are not enjoying your current way of life, DO NOT continue to exercise it and DO NOT let anyone even attempt to force you into it, or else you will inevitably kill yourself or, equally as destructive, end up basically dying on the inside and becoming another cog in the machine.

Also, if possible, try and set relationships and whatnot aside and practice reclusiveness for a while even if it's just a short amount of time. As difficult as it may seem for some people to give up these social aspects, there are more important things in the overall scope of life and your mind should get some rest and benefit from it in the end.