Echo the Sun wrote:how come you think everyone has given up on you?
It's a very long story, though whenever I try to involve people in it, it goes awry, so I won't bore you with the depth of it. Just a lot of different elements of compounded social anxiety, internal stress, pain, a very type of apathy that isn't quite depression or apathy and a self-imposed meticulousness that has hindered not my creative process per se, rather my ability to accept or be okay with something as I once was as it often no longer feels challenging or exciting. Besides that, I live somewhere I don't belong, surrounded by people I don't understand and it's not as though my remaining family here is exactly understanding either. Add a friend dying, a dog dying, several relationships of different types dying with the last of them being one I needed to make yet am by no means happy with and it hurt me (I would say "as much" though she didn't very easily see it was for the better) as it did her, no different than every other breakup I've initiated, which has been mutual once or so and then every other time me making the phone call or statement; only had about 5 I'd consider "real" in my life though it's still four times too much that all broke into relentless tears and considering how much I tend to hurt, I can't imagine how they feel, which even in the case of someone who totally lied to me in so many ways still had me think "wow, I'm a complete asshole."
Anyway, that I've got...I don't know, three? Three people, possibly four people in the world who will actually talk about it all that really know me and care is the gist of why I feel that way. A close friend from Melbourne I used to talk to nightly from about 2009-2015 as the result of insomnia recently came through the US via LA and although he's busy, I will happen to be very close to where he's staying in Manitoba soon a little later until he leaves and yet it's "yeah, I don't really see how it'll work this trip, though if you're ever in Australia..." when I asked if he wanted to meet up and get a drink or something, which I can't help but feel is my fault and that we don't talk much these days because I'm depressing or stressing to be around, something of that nature.
There is a silver lining in that I have all sorts of opportunities opening up for me. One is a novel with a willing publisher, a whole bunch are related to jobs for independent games by various developers needing anything from voice acting to music to texture work, then there's two labels of note from the ones I've been communicating with for the last three years or so I have no place being on whatsoever and couldn't be more dissatisfied with the various tracks provided as demo material they believe to be worthwhile. Music is the worst right now as I can't even release the stuff I told myself I didn't even care about that I deliberately won't copyright or reserve any rights to. Even THAT has to be perfect in some goddamned way.