Depression

[Aerial Boundaries]

After the hell I went through recently, I'm almost back to what I was before the antidepressant. But I can feel the complacency that has been such a common thing for me kicking in again, I feel tired and weak. No motivation to practice mindfulness or eat well or sleep well or exercise. This is tough, and therapy is taking ages in terms of actually getting to see someone regularly.

Plus I've got the dizziness to contend with.

There are good days and bad days I guess, but it's tough. And time's running out before I need to go back to work...

[Najlepsiejszy]

I'm with my parents now and they gave me a phone so now I can describe what's it like in a Polish juvenile psych ward.

The ward is divided in two parts. The first one gives you many liberties. You go there if your behavior is good and you're feeling well. You can wear normal clothes, you can phone others freely, you can listen to music on your mp3's- you can't have phones so that you don't make any videos etc.

In the second part, there are no doors, no bathroom stalls (only one person can use the toilet at one time), the showers are locked and you have to wear at least pajamas pants. I'm in the latter part.

We eat all our meals with spoons. We even spread butter on the loaves of bread they give us on breakfast and supper with ends of our spoons. The meals are okayish. Nothing spectacular, nothing very bad.

Professional care has been mediocre at best so far. I told one chap who admitted me how I feel and why, then the head of the ward (we had a philosophical discussion, but it made me feel worse in that I'm too weak to endure my fate and it made me realise that others are not 100x better than me, but 1000x), then a psychologist and she did a few tests. They gave me an IQ test (OF COURSE I'M ABOVE AVERAGE DON'T YOU DARE THINK OTHERWISE jk btw) and some personality tests. No help but pharmacological has been given me so far. The meds are working in that I know I'm a waste and a piece of shit, but I feel calm. Negative thoughts like to stay in my head for a while, and they cause me mental distress, but not an emotional one.

It's been boring. I play chess a lot, sometimes we can watch movies, sometimes we can listen to music, but I've only played BoC once.

I have to go. See ya

[Mexicola]

Man, you hang in there fella. Cannot tell you how good it is to hear from you, and how awful it feels to not be able to help more.
I'm sure I won't be the only one to say that Twoism is thinking of you and wishing you nothing but the best.

[Najlepsiejszy]

Cheers. It's Easter, so there are no psychologists or psychiatrists, so it's been pretty boring. My main psychologist comes in on Thursday, so I hope she'll start fixing me then. I feel so guilty and hopeless, though.

[Najlepsiejszy]

Oh, and please don't expect any replies from me for a while. We can't use the Net

[jcnporter]

I'm with my parents now and they gave me a phone so now I can describe what's it like in a Polish juvenile psych ward.

The ward is divided in two parts. The first one gives you many liberties. You go there if your behavior is good and you're feeling well. You can wear normal clothes, you can phone others freely, you can listen to music on your mp3's- you can't have phones so that you don't make any videos etc.

In the second part, there are no doors, no bathroom stalls (only one person can use the toilet at one time), the showers are locked and you have to wear at least pajamas pants. I'm in the latter part.

We eat all our meals with spoons. We even spread butter on the loaves of bread they give us on breakfast and supper with ends of our spoons. The meals are okayish. Nothing spectacular, nothing very bad.

Professional care has been mediocre at best so far. I told one chap who admitted me how I feel and why, then the head of the ward (we had a philosophical discussion, but it made me feel worse in that I'm too weak to endure my fate and it made me realise that others are not 100x better than me, but 1000x), then a psychologist and she did a few tests. They gave me an IQ test (OF COURSE I'M ABOVE AVERAGE DON'T YOU DARE THINK OTHERWISE jk btw) and some personality tests. No help but pharmacological has been given me so far. The meds are working in that I know I'm a waste and a piece of shit, but I feel calm. Negative thoughts like to stay in my head for a while, and they cause me mental distress, but not an emotional one.

It's been boring. I play chess a lot, sometimes we can watch movies, sometimes we can listen to music, but I've only played BoC once.

I have to go. See ya

Man, that sounds tough, I hope it all works out for you.

[Najlepsiejszy]

I'm comimg out of it. Good luck to all y'all out there, everyone. I'll probably get my first temporary leave soon

[Mexicola]

Awesome news dude! Good luck

[Techboy]

neat: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2015 ... epressants

[Mexicola]

Whole heartedly endorse this ^^

[Najlepsiejszy]

I'm in the general ward and I'm allowed to take walks with a group. Now I'm with my parents in the city centre, but I have to go back before 6. I'm leaving for the weekend on Friday and I'm going back on Monday. Next they will let me go for a while next Friday so I can spend the beginning of May (celebrated widely in Poland) with my family. Things are going well, but I wish they would fix me completely here. I wish I could really show them how grateful I am, but I can't now. I do have some ideas, though

[Mexicola]

Baby steps my friend. We're thinking of you.

[Najlepsiejszy]

Cheers. I'm home now. One starts to appreciate the little things after he's lost them

[ShaneAnthony]

Really glad to see you back Naj!

[Ashtray Wasp]

Has ever happened to any of you that as you look around, everything seems to be so surreal, ethereal, as if everything that is there is not really there, that you don't belong to anything or anywhere and nothing does. I get that feeling sometimes, and it makes me feel depressed, I feel like I don't know what to do with my future, I get anxious, and I get suicidal thoughts (I've always had, but they are always that, I never try to do anything, maybe I'm a coward) I am 17 so I relate it to that, to being a teenager and what it means; not to have everything that is you under control, but to learn how to do it. Also for some reason I've always liked sad/depressive stuff, books, music, films (The third book of The Hunger Games is a good example, also the film Lost in Translation), anything that makes me feel as I am the protagonist of the film and feel that rage, that sadness, that struggle to continue. But after all that I feel like a douchebag, for liking things that if they really happened to me I wouldn't feel "good" as they happened, also thinking about people that has real problems and making mine a big deal. I like being alone, but not loneliness as well, I prefer staying home alone listening to music or playing videogames than going out with my friends most of the times, although I've come to the realization that I need to go out a bit more.

I've never told anyone about this, just wanted to get it out, so let me know what you guys think

[Ashtray Wasp]

Also welcome back Najlepsiejszy! Sorry for not mentioning beforehand

[Mexicola]

I think you sound perfectly normal and that you're among friends on this site Ashtray Wasp.

[Ashtray Wasp]

I think you sound perfectly normal and that you're among friends on this site Ashtray Wasp.

Thank you, really

[Aerial Boundaries]

Has ever happened to any of you that as you look around, everything seems to be so surreal, ethereal, as if everything that is there is not really there, that you don't belong to anything or anywhere and nothing does. I get that feeling sometimes, and it makes me feel depressed, I feel like I don't know what to do with my future, I get anxious, and I get suicidal thoughts (I've always had, but they are always that, I never try to do anything, maybe I'm a coward) I am 17 so I relate it to that, to being a teenager and what it means; not to have everything that is you under control, but to learn how to do it. Also for some reason I've always liked sad/depressive stuff, books, music, films (The third book of The Hunger Games is a good example, also the film Lost in Translation), anything that makes me feel as I am the protagonist of the film and feel that rage, that sadness, that struggle to continue. But after all that I feel like a douchebag, for liking things that if they really happened to me I wouldn't feel "good" as they happened, also thinking about people that has real problems and making mine a big deal. I like being alone, but not loneliness as well, I prefer staying home alone listening to music or playing videogames than going out with my friends most of the times, although I've come to the realization that I need to go out a bit more.

I've never told anyone about this, just wanted to get it out, so let me know what you guys think

There are many different types of depression and I rarely see anyone talking about it as you do. I am 20, only a little older than you. I've dealt with depression for a long time, and I have my methods of coping. I too have a strong tendency to imagine my self as the protagonist in an imaginary world, which for me is an eclectic mixture of many different movies, books, video games and tv shows. I've done this for as long as I can remember, and I do it more when I have a depressive episode (I am in one right now, have been for about a year). When I come back to reality, it doesn't seem quite as real anymore and makes me want to retreat back into my own head.

The vision issues you describe I also have, and they seem to be a real, physiological result of feelings of depression and anxiety. It can cause dizziness as well, which I suffer from though it is getting much better now. There has been some research on it.

If or when the 'ethereal' vision you describe makes you feel like what you are looking at isn't real, the important thing to remember is that you are not going crazy, and the way the world looks is a direct result of your state of mind. Do you get what feels like blurriness? Or sort of flashes of light at the very edge of your vision, particularly in strong sunlight? Or things look like they are vibrating when you look closely at them? If so you are not alone at all, I know exactly what that is like.

I too like to be alone but not lonely, and I actually can feel more lonely when I am with people. Though it depends who I am with If I am with people who I feel don't understand me, or don't agree with me, or that I don't like, I get very lonely indeed. I am content to stay at home and listen to music, play games, smoke cigarettes and drink. But after a few days I get lonely doing this as well, so it is a balancing act.

A word about depression as a whole and suicide. Please don't take this as me sermonising or lecturing you! There may be only three years difference between us, but you grow a hell of a lot in three years, especially at our age. So I have a feeling I might have some knowledge that you don't, or perhaps it is the other way round. Anyway, it sounds like you've been depressed for a long time like my self, and that you can cope with it. For now. If you don't deal with it, it will probably get worse, and there may come a point where you wake up one day and freak out. And it may all come crashing down on you. Depression isn't just feeling sad, it is a way of life. We learn how to live like this! And it is very hard to get out of. The point I'm talking about came for me, it snuck up on me. A few months ago, the problems kept piling on and suddenly I broke down. I couldn't work, couldn't go outside, so dizzy that I thought I was going to die. I didn't realise even at that point that this was all because of the way my mind works, because I genuinely thought I was just sick or something. Eventually after loads of tests and scans, I realised that it was just me. It my fucking crazy head, messing with my. My body was telling me that it is time to change.

I've always had suicide in the back of my mind, it is a constant for me. But I usually don't think about it. It is only at the worst periods when I can't cope, that it comes rushing back. "It would be so much easier," "It is my way out", etc etc. I managed to shake it off, and I am not at risk right now. But if I don't deal with it, the depression will keep getting worse and one day it might push me over the edge. I don't want to die, but living is fucking brutal isn't it?

I am kind of rambling, but I just want to get the message across that even if you feel like everything will be OK and it will get better, the odds are against you if you don't do something. Try to get in touch with a counsellor. Don't take antidepressants at your age, that is an absolute last resort. For a teenager they can affect the way your brain develops and they just aren't a good idea at all IMHO. Just get someone to talk to, unload all your thoughts on. It is important to do this because otherwise you will be fighting with your own annoying mind 24/7. You'll end up shouting internally. I am seeing one at the moment, it is slow but it helps a bit.

I am not panicking here because you talked about suicide. Suicidal thoughts are incredibly common, more common than people think. Acting on them is very rare and a different thing entirely. Shit, I hope I'm not scaring you with all this. But life is scary, and depression is fucking scary when it gets out of control. So I want you to do something about it!

OK let's cut this post short. Final thoughts: 1. Depression messes with everything, even if you don't realise it. It changes your perception of life, your ideology, thought patterns, habits, moods. It doesn't make being happy impossible, it makes it hard and not normal. Normal for us is feeling empty or meh. Sometimes you feel really bad! Sometimes you feel abnormally good! 2. It is much easier for us to feel good in an imaginary world. But the happiness doesn't last, or carry over into real life. It is short and unsatisfying. Perhaps one of the hardest things for us, will be to let go of it as we try to get better. 3. Life changes constantly. You will not be the same person in a year as you are now. Life will not be the same. Maybe it will be worse, maybe it will be amazing. Maybe it will only change a little bit. Don't let your head trick you into thinking things will always be shit, that you will always feel like shit. Because that is bullshit. 4. I have made loads of assumptions in this post about your life without thinking much, because your post made me feel like we are very similar. So I might end up looking like I blew my load too soon... *ahem* so to speak.

EDIT: I just realised how bloody long this post got. Sorry.

[Ashtray Wasp]

Has ever happened to any of you that as you look around, everything seems to be so surreal, ethereal, as if everything that is there is not really there, that you don't belong to anything or anywhere and nothing does. I get that feeling sometimes, and it makes me feel depressed, I feel like I don't know what to do with my future, I get anxious, and I get suicidal thoughts (I've always had, but they are always that, I never try to do anything, maybe I'm a coward) I am 17 so I relate it to that, to being a teenager and what it means; not to have everything that is you under control, but to learn how to do it. Also for some reason I've always liked sad/depressive stuff, books, music, films (The third book of The Hunger Games is a good example, also the film Lost in Translation), anything that makes me feel as I am the protagonist of the film and feel that rage, that sadness, that struggle to continue. But after all that I feel like a douchebag, for liking things that if they really happened to me I wouldn't feel "good" as they happened, also thinking about people that has real problems and making mine a big deal. I like being alone, but not loneliness as well, I prefer staying home alone listening to music or playing videogames than going out with my friends most of the times, although I've come to the realization that I need to go out a bit more.

I've never told anyone about this, just wanted to get it out, so let me know what you guys think

There are many different types of depression and I rarely see anyone talking about it as you do. I am 20, only a little older than you. I've dealt with depression for a long time, and I have my methods of coping. I too have a strong tendency to imagine my self as the protagonist in an imaginary world, which for me is an eclectic mixture of many different movies, books, video games and tv shows. I've done this for as long as I can remember, and I do it more when I have a depressive episode (I am in one right now, have been for about a year). When I come back to reality, it doesn't seem quite as real anymore and makes me want to retreat back into my own head.

The vision issues you describe I also have, and they seem to be a real, physiological result of feelings of depression and anxiety. It can cause dizziness as well, which I suffer from though it is getting much better now. There has been some research on it.

If or when the 'ethereal' vision you describe makes you feel like what you are looking at isn't real, the important thing to remember is that you are not going crazy, and the way the world looks is a direct result of your state of mind. Do you get what feels like blurriness? Or sort of flashes of light at the very edge of your vision, particularly in strong sunlight? Or things look like they are vibrating when you look closely at them? If so you are not alone at all, I know exactly what that is like.

I too like to be alone but not lonely, and I actually can feel more lonely when I am with people. Though it depends who I am with If I am with people who I feel don't understand me, or don't agree with me, or that I don't like, I get very lonely indeed. I am content to stay at home and listen to music, play games, smoke cigarettes and drink. But after a few days I get lonely doing this as well, so it is a balancing act.

A word about depression as a whole and suicide. Please don't take this as me sermonising or lecturing you! There may be only three years difference between us, but you grow a hell of a lot in three years, especially at our age. So I have a feeling I might have some knowledge that you don't, or perhaps it is the other way round. Anyway, it sounds like you've been depressed for a long time like myself, and that you can cope with it. For now. If you don't deal with it, it will probably get worse, and there may come a point where you wake up one day and freak out. And it may all come crashing down on you. Depression isn't just feeling sad, it is a way of life. We learn how to live like this! And it is very hard to get out of. The point I'm talking about came for me, it snuck up on me. A few months ago, the problems kept piling on and suddenly I broke down. I couldn't work, couldn't go outside, so dizzy that I thought I was going to die. I didn't realise even at that point that this was all because of the way my mind works, because I genuinely thought I was just sick or something. Eventually after loads of tests and scans, I realised that it was just me. It my fucking crazy head, messing with my. My body was telling me that it is time to change.

I've always had suicide in the back of my mind, it is a constant for me. But I usually don't think about it. It is only at the worst periods when I can't cope, that it comes rushing back. "It would be so much easier," "It is my way out", etc etc. I managed to shake it off, and I am not at risk right now. But if I don't deal with it, the depression will keep getting worse and one day it might push me over the edge. I don't want to die, but living is fucking brutal isn't it?

I am kind of rambling, but I just want to get the message across that even if you feel like everything will be OK and it will get better, the odds are against you if you don't do something. Try to get in touch with a counsellor. Don't take antidepressants at your age, that is an absolute last resort. For a teenager they can affect the way your brain develops and they just aren't a good idea at all IMHO. Just get someone to talk to, unload all your thoughts on. It is important to do this because otherwise you will be fighting with your own annoying mind 24/7. You'll end up shouting internally. I am seeing one at the moment, it is slow but it helps a bit.

I am not panicking here because you talked about suicide. Suicidal thoughts are incredibly common, more common than people think. Acting on them is very rare and a different thing entirely. Shit, I hope I'm not scaring you with all this. But life is scary, and depression is fucking scary when it gets out of control. So I want you to do something about it!

OK let's cut this post short. Final thoughts: 1. Depression messes with everything, even if you don't realise it. It changes your perception of life, your ideology, thought patterns, habits, moods. It doesn't make being happy impossible, it makes it hard and not normal. Normal for us is feeling empty or meh. Sometimes you feel really bad! Sometimes you feel abnormally good! 2. It is much easier for us to feel good in an imaginary world. But the happiness doesn't last, or carry over into real life. It is short and unsatisfying. Perhaps one of the hardest things for us, will be to let go of it as we try to get better. 3. Life changes constantly. You will not be the same person in a year as you are now. Life will not be the same. Maybe it will be worse, maybe it will be amazing. Maybe it will only change a little bit. Don't let your head trick you into thinking things will always be shit, that you will always feel like shit. Because that is bullshit. 4. I have made loads of assumptions in this post about your life without thinking much, because your post made me feel like we are very similar. So I might end up looking like I blew my load too soon... *ahem* so to speak.

EDIT: I just realised how bloody long this post got. Sorry.

Don't worry about the long post, it wouldn't be the same otherwise, also in the matter of talking to someone I don't know what to do, I don't think my friends would understand what I'll say and I don't know who to talk with to get a counsellor. And you didn't scare me at all , I know that life is cruel and hard, I've seen it in other people, so I am aware of it, but thank you very much indeed for this words mate, it really helps.