Aerial Boundaries wrote:I'm angry with my life right now. I've been messed up by a shit job, I have muffled hearing on one ear which shifts all my music to one side of the stereo spectrum, so I have to fuck with the balance on every track just to get mono sounds in the middle like normal, my sense of balance is fucked by my ear problem, I'm going broke and can't work at the moment because of said issues. I've been eating like shit and smoking 20 a day because my depression is so bad, and NHS response is to stick me in a group therapy session where I listen to 30 somethings talk about their anxiety for an hour, and I can't get a one on one for months because they are so underfunded. I can't meditate properly because when I close my eyes I get dizzy. I can't enjoy my music properly. None of my mates seem to give a fuck apart from one or two and they are busy with work. I have people constantly asking me why I am like this and say they are confused because my life doesn't look so bad, and I keep telling them it is my head and my body and my work that keeps fucking me with a lubricated horse cock. I'm lonely and I really really really need sex. I feel trapped and no body is doing enough to help me, because I certainly can't help my self seeing as I have zero energy or motivation. Nobody will listen to me when I tell them that the world as it stands is severely fucked up beyond all reckoning and voting for cunts makes things even worse and makes you as a person morally bankrupt and responsible for the suffering of countless others.
I should've gone to university but I couldn't be arsed and still can't, and regardless with only 2 A levels there is fuck all chance of that happening.
I'm really really angry and I just smashed my keyboard half to pieces, and I just realised I left my wallet at my mates place yesterday so I need to meet him before I can buy food or cigarettes.
I hear each word you are saying, and recognise the place you must be in to be so honest. I want to say that i've felt the same, but how can we truly quanitfy that? I can at least attempt to type something that can in some way show that I, however miles away I may be, have listened, empathised and agonised over my lack of position to offer help beyond typed words.
I can say that I hear so clearly what you're saying because I can relate to it, I've been to a place at least very similar numerous times and i'll outline my personal worse position i've ever been in. Last year, I was 24 and had spent practically my entire life unemployed. I had spent all of my time on education on university and had been left with 3 years of destitution, unemployment and misery as a reward. After entering into teacher training and having to quit after the cruelty of students led me to a suicide attempt, I found myself living on my mother's sofa. I had become a drug addict, with every day fuelled by the need to make at least 10 pounds in any grubby or immoral way simply to get my fix of something that would make life feel less shit for a moment. As a result, I lost all of my family and friends and was left consigned to being the warped thief that I was. Nobody trusted me. Nobody liked me. And I knew every night as I went to bed that I deserved every single part of it. I was three years into a long-distance relationship with a girl who I loved with all of my heart, and who I believed could save me. I had spent literally thousands of pounds on multiple visits and trips for us to see each other, for it to end with her cheating on me with a co-worker. How did I find out about this? Through her talking in her sleep while I read to her (she often needed help to sleep).
It was then I found myself on the edge of the Humber Bridge, ready to leap and feel the cold silt beneath suffocate me. I don't know what stopped me, but something did.
I could go on to discuss my successes since that moment, and believe me i've had many. There's a lot still to work on, but the man I am today compared to just one year ago is staggering - and I can't even take too much credit for it.
I think it's more important you understand the places i've been to so I have more authority when I say this:
Things can change. Things always change. That's what people always say when we're in moments like you are right now. But it means nothing coming from someone who seems to have had happiness come in droves from their very birth.
I promise you, this isn't all there is for you. I promise that it's not all that life holds. For 24 years suicide seemed inevitable. In my darkest moments it still does. But now, in my 25th year, is the first time I can say with confidence that life truly can be a wonderful thing.
If you ever need an ear for more detail, or want to talk to someone just to talk, please PM me and i'd be happy to add you to my facebook or whatever.
I don't really know you, but believe it or not, I care.