Well, i wanted to post in this thread for a while, and im not sure how much i should open up, but im just a random person on the internet, and maybe this could help someone.
I have been diagnosed with what is called schizoid personality disorder. You can google it, but basically it means i tend to stay away from people as much as i can, whilst at the same time i crave connection with others, instead chosing to live in my inner world. It feels as if you are sitting on a bench, watching people and their lives, knowing that although you want to be like them, its impossible. It causes me severe depression every few weeks, and meds only aliviate it to some extent, while i also go to therapy regularly, twice a week.
This illness caused me to drop out of school when i was 17 due to severe anxiety, and i gotten heavily into drugs. Whilst i never did anything like coke or heroin, psychedelics and weed fucked me up even more, as i was self medicating with them till i was 24, never seeking any help, cause i had a bad experience with therapy whilst i was still at school. I didnt work, and only had a small, hermetic circle of friends. I spent most of my days playing games, listening to music, and getting stoned. I had no hope of ever recovering from this.
In 2019 after being on a brink of psychosis i finally reached out to a therapist, and was put on meds. In the following years i managed to make some new friends for the first time in probably 10 years, found a job i really like, turned into music instead of taking drugs, and i've gotten my high school diploma. Now im going to a programmers course at the same school, perhaps i will try to go to university next year to study mechatronics, but im not sure im going to be able because of the way i live.
I still spend almost all of my time alone, in my inner world, that i have created and nurtured since i was a kid. Alot of my days are spent just in this haze of thoughts and feelings, that sometimes keep me in bed for days, where aside from reading some stuff on the internet, i just "live there" like most people live "outside" of themselves. Might sound like schizophrenia, but the difference is i dont experience hallucinations, and im fully aware of all this, while schizophrenics are unaware of their fantasies and hallucinations being just that. There is also no medication for this specifically, only antidepressants for the depression and anxiety associated with this.
Its still a burden to be around people, and i want to be alone, but im not running away from people anymore. There is still an awful lot to be done, and im always going to be on the outside, but i think there is always something to be done.
Depression, and other similar problems, although you can neglect them, it will always comeback, cause it conveys some information there, that you are not willing to adress, some unsolved issue.
Sometimes it can be hard to pinpoint, so it makes sense to seek help in trying to look for ways to solve it, even if you lost all hope - i was there, trust me. And it still haunts me, like a wound that will never heal. But dont give up on yourself, cause you are not alone in this.
This thread only shows that we all share some of this issues, so imo we shouldn't see ourselves as seperate entities, but as something that is universal. I used to study alot of J. Krishnamurti, and he once said, that there is no individual human being, but we are all in a way, one organism, with an illusion of separate entry points of experience, that all create a universal mind, that makes us percieve although unique experiences on the surface, we all go through the same turmoils non the less. And perhaps by realizing this, collectively, we could create a better world for all of us.
