Depression

[rodox_head]

Thats true. We cant turn away from our mistakes, and who we are. I mean we can, but it will always comeback, and it does. You can do all you want, to run away from yourself, but in the end, you will always find your own reflection in the things that make you forget.

Its hard to admit, that the path we roam, is exactly the path that we have chosen for ourselves. Even if we were hurt and shaped by outside events and circumstances.

...and I'm fearful of the chosen path. The past looks empty, and the future looks bleak. I'd like to think that by feeling guilt over my mistakes that it means I'm inherently a good person deep down, but afraid that if I start to forgive myself, I risk repeating those same mistakes. If who we are is only to be judged and created by others, what's the use of forgiving oneself.

Right now the only thing keeping me form taking the last train to Clarksville is seeing the opossums that stop by at work.

[cabal rose tv]

I think i understand you, as i've had this feeling for years, and it still pops up once in a while.
Its a deep problem, im not saying its easy to overcome, as it takes time, and quite a lot of work, but its worth it. Things i have realized about this, are that we are so afraid of making mistakes, and being hurt, that we would much rather not do anything, than risk making a mistake again, but that in itself is the biggest mistake we can make, by giving up on ourselves. There is no paradise, no ultimate happiness im afraid, but there might as well be hell, that we create for ourselves when we put all that matters into a self destructive process, because by doing nothing, we are actually doing a hell of a lot. We let all of our previous mistakes happen over, and over again.

Taking small steps in the direction of going out of our comfort zone, whatever it might be, is actually preparing us for taking much bigger steps, and belive me, because of what has happened to me in the past, i rarely see the steps i take, cause im still afraid i will fall into the same hellish pit i've been in before, so i rarely feel any pleasure related to what i have "achived". So there is no easy way, no short cuts. Dont belive any gurus, or saviours, cause its all in your hands. Dont be afraid to make mistakes, but learn from them. And repeat this process, over and over again, cause its the only way to make progress. If there was no frustration, there would be no need to do anything. Because there is frustration, you feel uneasy about the situation you're in, cause you know there is something better waiting for you, and the pain that is associated with it, is actually the healing process, cause your body is telling you to do something, as you are suffering immensly. The body is intelligent, and it will do things for you, if you allow yourself to go along with what it is telling you. You dont have to use your mind to dictate how it should behave, but if you stop limiting yourself, it will do things automatically for you, it just takes time.

[rodox_head]

Right now the only thing keeping me form taking the last train to Clarksville is seeing the opossums that stop by at work.

Nevermind, according to my coworker it's both frowned upon and stupid to look after them. I had to hold back from crying as the setup I had for them to get food and water (I should emphasize that we're still getting 90-100 degrees F here) was angrily thrown out and the little critters were nabbed and placed into a trash can to be released into the nearby field while they were literally shitting themselves in fear.

Should I have been feeding wildlife? Probably not, but they were the only thing that I felt I could genuinely care about and look after, like I actually had a heart, like I could actually act like the mother I always wanted to be. They'll come back for the cats' food, they remember where food sources are, but I just feel empty right now.

but I'm sure most of you don't really care. You'll just see that RH is posting in the depression thread again like the pathetic lowlife it is and move on to the next thread.

[Orbited insanitarium]

Nevermind, according to my coworker it's both frowned upon and stupid to look after them. I had to hold back from crying as the setup I had for them to get food and water (I should emphasize that we're still getting 90-100 degrees F here) was angrily thrown out and the little critters were nabbed and placed into a trash can to be released into the nearby field while they were literally shitting themselves in fear.

Oh fuck that. It's literally animal cruelty to throw them in the trash like that. At least you were noticing them and they felt safe in their visitations before this. Your coworker is a complete prude for rules and regulations (I doubt there will be ANY mention in a screwed up rulebook about opposums) so what is the point in saying it's "frowned upon"??? Should it be frowned upon to CARE?
Rodox you were finding a precious thing in your day to look forward to, I'm disgusted at the disregard that was shown to you, it's not stupid, you're not stupid, it's a selfless thing you did. (Your coworker sounds like an absolute cvnt to be frank.)

Should I have been feeding wildlife? Probably not, but they were the only thing that I felt I could genuinely care about and look after, like I actually had a heart, like I could actually act like the mother I always wanted to be. They'll come back for the cats' food, they remember where food sources are, but I just feel empty right now.

Gutted. I can understand how you feel so close to them. Why take away an inch of someone's happiness?

but I'm sure most of you don't really care. You'll just see that RH is posting in the depression thread again like the pathetic lowlife it is and move on to the next thread.

I'm starting to see that, I keep holding back from replying every so often because I hope others will have the idea to respond to you and dissipate the feelings that no-one is listening but it rarely happens. For the few that come to this subforum and read it, where's your empathy sometimes?
You are not lowlife in any fashion I see. I always listen to you and I realize that I need to be here for you. More recently it struck me whom I'm neglecting. I'm going to do more with the keeping company side of our dynamic, I admit I have been slacking HEAVILY.

[Jonse]

That's certainly not stupid. I don't know what policy your co-worker is trying to abide by, or anything regarding your work, but don't let yourself think for a moment that it's stupid. You're trying to do something good for animals in need.

What's stupid is yours co-workers dismissal of your feelings. I've been in that position at a low and there's something that gives me some meaning, that feels important. It's an important thing to have. I don't know how much your co-worker knows of how you're feeling but if they do, it's completely out of order to further emotionally deprive you of that just because they don't think it's important. It's possible to do what's regulation and whatnot without being a prick about it, and I can't imagine what's going on where the right thing to do would be "put them in a trash can," so that's fucked too.

[rodox_head]

Thanks for the kind words. I wasn't the only one who thought she was out of line. It's totally a "rules for thee, not for me" deal because we all just have to accept the cats that live there that she will always boss others around who want to offer care for them. It started with one, then two, now it's four. One has had a habit of trying to get into the store and I had to chase it out for its own safety, to which she responded with a "don't worry, they're smart and will find their way out". First off, they are too light to activate the motion sensor doors, and second, I don't want them to take a blind turn into a piece of moving machinery! And I'm the bad guy! Also it's an open secret that they shit and piss in the plants we sell, but I'm the bad guy for finding a way to keep opossums from shitting behind the shelves. "But what if they bite someone!? Then we're fucked!" If You get an opossum to bite you then you deserved it since they're pacifist creatures. However I can totally see a stranger going to pick up a cat and getting swiped at, In fact it did happen to a coworker. I've even swen customers have to pull their dogs from chasing them.

I love cats, would never wish harm upon, or reject affection from a cat, but I have personal insecurities when it comes to them due to how much preferential treatment they get.

[NorthSaturnian]

Girlfriend cheated on me. devastated.

[Orbited insanitarium]

Girlfriend cheated on me. devastated.

Oh shit, a breakup is never easy lad, hope you get through it.

[NorthSaturnian]

Girlfriend cheated on me. devastated.

Oh shit, a breakup is never easy lad, hope you get through it.

thanks mate

[bungler666]

I'm finally trying to stand up for myself a bit more.
Don't know why I haven't until now, guess it's easier to just let things stay the way they are.
But I'm really not down with the self-hating stuff anymore, enough is enough I say.

[rodox_head]

I feel like I've said this somewhere before, but I'm starting to really settle into the thought that a new BoC release will be the ultimate sign from the cosmos or whatever that my life has finally run its course.

[Orbited insanitarium]

If I did not have my hobby of music listening and music collecting, I would be dead.
I'm fed up of pretending like it isn't the only constant in my life. It's the glue that holds together everything I am, it gives me everything I have needed to keep going, but I need more, I need to complete the puzzle.

God January is certainly the worst month ever devised, the new year is nothing more than last year with the end number ramped up by a grand total of 1. This is 2023, this is 2024, this is just a change of a number.
Help me but also do not help me, it will waste your time and I will go back to being fine, but fine is not supposed to be the norm for 5 years, you can't just be fine for 5 years, I want to be happy this time!!!

[Quadrivium]

Hey Orb,

Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Having struggled with similar feelings for many years, I can definitely relate.

You mentioned wanting to “complete the puzzle,” and I think that’s a feeling many of us can relate to: searching for that missing piece that brings real happiness. It’s a tough place to be, but the fact that you’re expressing this desire for change is a big step forward.

The start of a new year can feel heavy, especially when it seems like nothing’s changing. But it might also be an opportunity; maybe this is a time to explore small, manageable ways to add something new to your life. Since music is so meaningful to you, could you build on that passion? Maybe try learning an instrument, writing about the music you love, or even connecting with others who share your enthusiasm through (online) communities, local meetups etc. This is something that has really helped me personally. It's hard breaking out of your bubble and reaching out to strangers, but I can really vouch for its effectiveness.

I also want to gently suggest that if you’ve been feeling “just fine” for five years, it could be worth reaching out to a therapist or counsellor. Sometimes, having a professional guide can help us piece together that puzzle in ways we might not think of on our own. It’s not a sign of weakness at all, it’s a way of showing yourself the care and support you deserve.

You don’t have to go through this alone, and you don’t have to settle for “fine.” You’re seeking more for yourself, and that’s something worth honouring and exploring.

Take care of yourself, and know that there are people rooting for you

[Gazebo4]

Stop being in resistance to your current experience. The reason depression happens is because you are overlooking the peace that you already are, where you are looking from. Instead you believe in this false self image which is super negative and self destructive and creates so much suffering for yourself and sometimes others.

It's not easy but the first step is to realize you need to stop behaving like a victim, you are not. All this self talk and identification with your thoughts, monologues in your head will only perpetuate the depression/suffering. Nothing will ever change that if you don't start asking questions about who you really are. Whether those dreadful beliefs about yourself are actually true.

If you want to be free from depression you need to wake up from the nightmare. It's a harsh and direct message but that's the truth of it.

I can assure you that the missing piece of the puzzle is actually yourself, what you have been looking for all along. And by recognising this you will find the peace and happiness you always longed for, because you are literally it! But don't belief anything I say, only your own direct experiential knowledge will free you from your own shadow.

[cabal rose tv]

Stop being in resistance to your current experience. The reason depression happens is because you are overlooking the peace that you already are, where you are looking from. Instead you believe in this false self image which is super negative and self destructive and creates so much suffering for yourself and sometimes others.

It's not easy but the first step is to realize you need to stop behaving like a victim, you are not. All this self talk and identification with your thoughts, monologues in your head will only perpetuate the depression/suffering. Nothing will ever change that if you don't start asking questions about who you really are. Whether those dreadful beliefs about yourself are actually true.

If you want to be free from depression you need to wake up from the nightmare. It's a harsh and direct message but that's the truth of it.

I can assure you that the missing piece of the puzzle is actually yourself, what you have been looking for all along. And by recognising this you will find the peace and happiness you always longed for, because you are literally it! But don't belief anything I say, only your own direct experiential knowledge will free you from your own shadow.

Thats so true dude, I've been battling with depression for months now, and I am only waking up to this. I've known this for a while, but never really woke up myself. You know what is the hardest thing in this? The emptiness that remains when you reject all that unnecessary baggage that is on your back. It brings the other side of depression, that I like to call "it's better to feel like shit, than to feel nothing at all". What is your thing to conquer that specific obstacle? How to not feel like an empty shell, but feel that I, myself, am all that I'm looking for? I'll probably have to discover that for myself, but maybe we can somehow discuss this

[rodox_head]

I don't know what other context to add, but I just want to share this quote since I think about it a lot.

"Who wouldn't be a little bit damaged in the face of 24/7 news updates about how shitty the human race is?"
-Running With Scissors dev Steve Wik discussing the Postal Dude

[Jonse]

Occasionally there's a celebrity death that hits me just like someone I actually knew personally and I get incredibly sad. Today was one of those.

[luminousdusk]

I think the depressed state is normal human baseline and should maybe be reclassified as such. Anything good that happens is a bonus. I think I could have everything I ever wanted and I'd still be depressed to be honest.

Life could always be better for everybody on the planet, But also could be much worse. I'm grateful I'm not being physically tortured in a basement by some maniac and that makes me feel better. It's happening to somebody somewhere.

Every day is a gift, Even if it's just perpetual socks.

[rodox_head]

I think the depressed state is normal human baseline and should maybe be reclassified as such. Anything good that happens is a bonus. I think I could have everything I ever wanted and I'd still be depressed to be honest.

Life could always be better for everybody on the planet, But also could be much worse. I'm grateful I'm not being physically tortured in a basement by some maniac and that makes me feel better. It's happening to somebody somewhere.

Every day is a gift, Even if it's just perpetual socks.

Nah

Living with depression is like living with an emotionally abusive lover 24/7, and you can't just kick them out of your life like an actual tangible person, it's somewhere inside your head at all times. It doesn't just want you, but may want to bring others down to its level if it feels necessary. It holds the biggest fuck-ups of your life over your head, convincing you that any happiness is undeserved. Maybe they're actually right, I've spread enough negativity over the course of my life to be deemed irredeemable. How can every day of your life be considered a gift when you face everyone you meet as a facade. Talk therapy means nothing when you still have to go out into the real world at the end of the day. What does it matter if you finally understand why you have some stupid fetish, or some stupid fear, or some stupid neurological inability to communicate properly when you still have to face world that would still belittle you regardless whilst demanding that you conform to what they deem to be normal and acceptable behaviour. Another day of getting up to your rent paying job doesn't sound like much of a gift to me after a certain point, and I;m sure most of you out there are just as sick of me as I am.

[Negamuse]

It's rough, I'm not going to pretend that I have all the answers because I don't. But I've suffered from it my whole life and I can promise you that however bleak it seems there is a path to a better place and you might not find it today or tomorrow but it is there.

I had done talk therapy more times than I can count, to the point I was completely sure it couldn't work. I'd been on antidepressants for longer in my life than I'd been off them by far. Things obviously got better for me with big life changes I got lucky to be able to make but not all the way better, because once you put yourself on the right road you still have to contend with all the damage you've done to yourself over the years.

I had two nervous breakdowns in 2020 because God who wasn't fucked up by the pandemic and at the same time the collapse of a long term relationship that ended in a very traumatizing way, and the resulting intervention by loved ones setting me up with yet another therapist who I then spent over 3 years with. With her I learnt a lot, that I had fundamentally misunderstood what trauma was, and what therapy was. Like, you see it on TV and people bear their souls and get a revelation, and I'd done that forever and nothing came, and just thought it was one of those things like religion that works for some people and not others, and well, I don't do religion. It took finding the right person who could said the right thing to get me to do the work and start chipping away at it a piece at a time.

I'm not done, I will never be done, but I know myself better, I know mental health better. Despite all the self destructive tendencies that led me over the years to put myself in danger, believe the worst about myself, allow other people to treat me badly, to treat other people badly, treat myself badly, there was an ember of something that refused to let me give up completely. It bought me the time to get to a point I was able to start fixing things.

I'm not saying it's therapy for you, or religion, or art, or time, or whatever. I'm just saying there's no such thing as a lost cause. There just isn't. Nothing so annoying as a person that's found salvation I know but I've typed and deleted so much in this thread over the years and in the end it was the comment that says "yes depression but also hope" that's won out